The ability to be a bad truth-teller.

You know, I'm not going to lie about it, I lie a lot. Not pathologically, and almost never believably. In fact, most of the time, I want it to be unbelievable and have a voice I use to express these lies.

However, I tell such unconvincing lies, that when I tell the truth people don't believe me.

Don't ask, it's not like I understand it.

Let me give you a couple examples:
Example 1: Compliments unwelcome
There is a young woman who I really like. She's attractive in all the right ways, she's astoundingly smart (certainly smarter than I am, and I'm smarter than most), incredibly hard working. She has honest to goodness priorities, morals, and goals, and is quite possibly one of the nicest people you'll ever met.

Needless to say, I'm smitten. People who know me, cower in fear, because you know how picky I am. I've known her for years, and to be honest, she's never failed to impress me in all that time.

The problem: She doesn't believe me when I tell her anything. Well, maybe not anything, but the other day I told her that I thought she was smart. I was amazed at the fact that she understands and is okay with biology and chemistry.

I was being completely sincere, she didn't believe me. Few people ever believe me when I give complements.

Example 2: Deeds Refuted
Aside from my weekly donations to the NoHo food bank (don't act like I'm changing the world, I give 2 loaves of bread a week) I also make a small yearly donation to CotN (Children of the Night), which is a group in Van Nuys that tries to take underage and young adult prostitution off the streets of L.A.

Problem: People rarely believe me if I tell them. I don't tell a whole lot of people, it's a private thing. However, most people's initial reaction is one of shock (You do what? BS! Really? Nah...Really?) and it usually takes 3 or 4 times of telling them, yes, yes I do this, that they actually believe me. Of course, most think better of me after it, but that's not why I do it.

I mean come on people, read the last two posts for cryin' out loud. Few people ever believe that I practice what I preach.

Example 3: The jig is not up
I have several friends, who shall remain nameless, who have secrets. This is actually one of the few times I actually have fun with my little ability. I can spill their secrets right in front of people, sometimes even to important people, and everyone doesn't believe me.

Really the best way for me to keep a secret straight, is to blurt it out.

Funny truths I've told that were not believed:
It would be like trying to stick a marshmallow in a piggybank (In response to, I know you want to "F" me.).
Dude, you are so gay.
I don't know what I'm doing.
No sir, I can assure you the man of this house does no cleaning.
She doesn't follow TAC&D logic (Love your pets, but don't...LOVE your pets.)
No, he's not that way he's just special.
Really, I'm completely normal. I just surround myself with those who are not.
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit ('Add a little to a little and soon you have a large pile,' it is my outgoing signature at work. I've only had to explain it to a customer/boss twice.)

I have my favorite, but the person I know is too much in my company to tell it. He/She even reads this on occasion. Besides, it's not like I'd repeat the same trick a third time (I've posted innuendos on other blogs in the last year).